How would your life be, If no longing is left there?
You push away so hard your yearning for the unknown and silently curse at the churning in your gut that unsettles you.
But tell me, would your life be happy if no longing is left there?
You keep moving, fooling yourself, thinking you are satisfied drifting through the chaotic street. You want to fill up the silence that tells you your story with conversations that do not match your heart beat. You keep on scrolling up and down the digital feed.
All because, you want to run away from the deep yearning that calls you home.
But here, pause. Breathe, remember, ponder.
Did you not dive deep into the ocean beyond sanity and insanity and emerged with your deepest wisdom and strength? You could only go in when you embraced your longing.
You have, many a times gone through the Yagna fire offering yourself to become purer and truer you.
Yet, you want to run away?
Come, sit for a while in that longing, Burn well in your sweet belonging. Breathe in to the pain and fear. Open up, listen and surrender.
“We must each in our own way resist the pull of apathy. Not only in relationship to the troubled world around us, but towards our own hearts. That icy spread around our hurt which protects us too well when it keeps grief frozen. That shrug towards our own wounding which regards our pain as common, and says, “what else is new?” ~ Belonging Toko Pa Turner
The battle between the longing to be met, heard and seen and the urge to creep inside a dark cave keeps her torn. Beneath her joyous demeanour, mysterious silence and spontaneous eloquence, grief sits quietly, breathing. She wants to drop down into the pain, like climbing down a deep dark well knowing fully well that the waters might freeze her. Yet, resilience simmers. The desire to know what is below all this is ignited. With reverence to the waters of myriad emotions, she dives deep.
“Grief is when Love doesn’t know where to go” ~ Rukmini Iyer
The habitual old script keeps running.
“I feel sad because you hurt me, because you went away and kept me waiting. There is hurt because i imagined in you, i will find my belonging. It hurts because i assume you found me repulsing. I feel sad that you did not show up as expected. I am tired of being the one who is always understanding and forgiving”
It was easier when she could point a finger at the other and blatantly blame.
Toxicity takes its own course, doesn’t take much work to keep the wheel rolling.
But, “the times, they are a changing”.
She realizes, what ever be the situation, stories that she tells around them, are her making.
Dumping stories onto others won’t work for her anymore. Now, its the time to make choices that are life affirming.
Calling up her deepest courage, she takes a few steps back from herself and sees the toxic stories melting.
With them melts the rage, the pain, the sadness, the fears, toxic shame and guilt. She looks at amazement. The amount of emotional debri the body can contain can be quite moving.
But letting go doesn’t come easy, shedding causes pain. Shifting into a new season, integrating a new rhythm, besides acceptance, needs mourning.
Conscious deep breaths keep her anchored, they serve as medicine.
Grief keeps somewhere in it, magic hidden. Heart turns softer when the tears flow.
Grace seeps in through this softening.
Like trees shedding leaves, she drops her old stories and quietly makes way for spring
There is a lot of love in letting go. Saying goodbyes are also a way to bless, she is learning.