To Revel in Pain

 Kasol, 2013
Her brokenness followed her

Like an untamed apparition,
from lifetimes she cannot remember.
She can only feel the pain in her womb,
On her feet, thighs, back and her heart.

It is the heart that troubles her the most.
It is the hurt in the heart, the frozen wound,
the gaping wound that wakes up
at the touch of love and demands healing,
It demands presence, it demands feeling.

So she howls.

She has learnt this art pretty well now.
Griefing is a sacred process.
She catches herself on the verge of going crazy,
as early as she can and crawls into her soul room.

Witnessed by the divine, she allows
the demons to come out
One by one.
She howls from her womb.
like the lone she wolf
She howls loud and clear.

Only the one who has tasted
the beauty of pain
unfreezing numb parts can fathom
how much she loves the tear
to drop.

She settles more into it.
Feeling free.
Like a tree,
Swaying in the wind,
Whose roots reach deep
into the hot lava womb
of Mother Earth
And offers herself to burn.

She burns,
Lifetimes of abuse.
She burns,
Lifetimes of trauma.
She burns,
Lifetimes of slavery.
She burns,
Lifetimes of betrayal
She burns,
Lifetimes of inability to trust.
She burns,
Lifetimes of being a child uncared for.
She burns,
Lifetimes of staying shut.
She burns,
Lifetimes of loneliness.
She burns,
Lifetimes of hating herself.
She burns,
Lifetimes of unworthiness.
She burns,
Lifetimes of fear of expressing herself.
She burns,
Lifetimes of longing to be free.

And then
as the fire subsides,
she realises, after all of it,
she is now claiming voice
for all the lifetimes.
She is now bringing her voice,
Though in gibberish
For all the lifetimes,
She longed deeply
But could never speak.

She does not know anymore,
Why she was told not to cry
or to get distracted from her pain
She relaxes in its sweet throbbing embrace.

It is the most alive moment
that could ever happen;
Her pain is a rich, savoursome,
dynamic experience.

Musing on intimacy

Art: Eternal Soulmates by Lee Bogle

How often do we confuse love with loyality?

The idea of “The Man” or “The Woman” as our ideal partner often  distorts our perception to the point that we forget that when we start relating to one another, when love starts blossoming in our hearts, our job is to love with integrity not latch on to another from fear or insecurity.

In my journey, i have noticed marked difference in both the cases.

When i have related to someone from fear or insecurity, done things to ‘not lose the relationship’, i have gone far away from my deeper self and lost the sacredness of a space that emerges within two individuals.

Like every other addiction, it starts with a high, adrenaline rush of ‘the one’ being found and slowly co-dependant patterns start showing up, often becoming parasitic and extremely draining.

Both discernment and perspective gets lost. High passion leads to drama which reaches a crescendo and collapses in heartbreak coupled with more drama of blaming, shaming and fair share of victimhood stories.

It is challenging and painful to see that in the entire story, me refusing to take responsibility for my feelings and choosing not to listen to them fully and giving in to the high was a crucial component in making the drama thrive.

I instead did things or behave in ways that i have known to ‘save a relationship’.
Following the notions picked up mostly from films and literature, i lost the sacred responsibility of presence.

Whereas when my only aim is to love, i flow from a space of truth and integrity. Care and nurturance become natural outcome. There are authentic conversations, sharing and conscious co-creation. I stay conscious of what belongs to me and what belongs to the other and honor both the journeys.

It is through these relationships that i learn the sacred art of presence. It is through these relationships that i learn how to be fully with another yet not become parasitic. It is through these relationships that the ‘Now’ is more important than a promised sparkly future yet visions for future blossom naturally, more like a guidance for my journey rather than airy dreaming or a way of escaping whatever i dont want to face in my current reality.

Some one rightly said,
intimacy is “into me i see”.

I remember what Mawlana Rumi wrote.
“You have no idea how hard I’ve looked for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right.
What’s the point of bringing
gold to the gold mine,
or water to the ocean.
Everything I came up with
was like taking spices to the Orient.
It’s no good giving my heart and my soul because you already have these.
So I’ve brought you a mirror.
Look at yourself and remember me.”

It’s beautiful that a relationship (romantic or otherwise) centered in love bestows upon us the sacred responsibility of polishing the mirror of our heart.
Our authentic self is the most precious gift we can offer to the beloved.

When this realization hits, a lot of other notions, ideas, programs gradually fall away. What remains are the sacred practises, anchoring one deeper into the heart, into courage, integrity and authenticity.